Gremlin O’Brien

I dreamt that I was taken in by Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd and hired to watch their kids. The position was to last the summer, and then I’d go back to Canada.

As a nanny, I was useless.

The kids were scared of me and constantly asked for their mother. When it came time for dinner, I offered to help Kristen in the kitchen but couldn’t do the simplest things like set the table. I had an affair with Dax. I was awful.

But still, when the summer ended, they wanted me back. They even flew with me back to Canada so I wouldn’t get lost or lonely on the plane ride.

At one point, Dax introduced me to Conan O’Brien. Dax and Kristen encouraged us to go on a date. The question of it was put before a stadium full of soccer fans who cheered us on. I could tell he was nervous. Conan agreed to *maybe* go on a date with me and then made a joke, to which I responded, “Zing!” And he laughed. I felt good.

After that, and the affair, Kristen Bell and Liza Powell (Conan’s wife) became one. They avoided looking at or talking to me. At one point they were helping their kids with a drawing and dropped the crayons. All the crayons were the colour red. I reached to pick them up and they said, “No, no…” and quickly picked them up themselves.

It ended with Dax coming to my apartment in Canada, seeking to continue the affair. But we had no chemistry.

I think this dream speaks to my penchant for causing trouble.

Sometimes I think I worship the Chaos demon. I don’t walk into a situation and say, “Hey – how can I fuck this up?” Drama seems to unfold around me. I’m not causing it, I swear. I swear, I’m not. Really. Really. But there is a part of me that is thrilled when something happens. Something good or something bad, just something. Preferably something big. I think this is because I want change and evolution, and the way to change and evolve is through pain and experience.

It flatters me to think I could charm Conan or Dax in any way. But as I get better and better, and move further away from the impact the voices had on me, my desire to date them grows stale. I still like them. If we were single and lived in a universe where I was attractive to either of them, I would totally be in.

But, alas.

In reality, no one would trust me with their kids. They’d know that the children could be climbing on top of the roof or antagonizing the neighbour’s Rottweiler and I’d be playing The Sims or reading a book. I’m much too self-serving for children. I’d make a box of Kraft Dinner for lunch and then give them a couple spoonfuls and save the bulk of it for myself.

I’m a perpetual child. I don’t feel responsible for anyone else’s wellbeing or feelings.

Recently I’ve been trying to get my head around the possibility of someday becoming a mother. I think I could feed, walk, and clean up the excrement of a dog. But do I want to take the next couple thousand steps and drastically reorder my life in order to bring someone new into the world? I don’t know if I’m capable, and maybe that’s what this dream is about.